Raising Children With Grit by Laila Sanguras

Author:Laila Sanguras
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Sourcebooks

Remember that your children are learning how to handle conflict by watching how you handle it.

I had a sobering moment with my fifth-grade son not too long ago. He had gotten in trouble at school for something he said to a friend. The assistant principal called me—oh, how I dread seeing the school’s number pop up on my phone—and explained what happened. When I got home from work, my son avoided me. This was unusual, especially because he had been in trouble before and didn’t respond this way. I kept calling his name and calling his name, to which he responded with sassy refusals to come see me. I figured out that he was scared of me. You see, my kids know that I prioritize kindness over just about everything and that I have no tolerance for bullying. And my son had just done something that very day that sounded a lot like bullying. He knew I was upset with him, and, after hugging and talking to him calmly, we talked through what happened and how he could make things up to his friend. I realized that I was doing a poor job of showing him unconditional love and that I am someone who can help him deal with his problems—even the ones he causes.

Our kids learn how to regulate themselves by how we handle it when they mess up. We are the first voice they hear and the one that their internal voice will imitate. Kohn (2005) provided us with some suggestions for how we can respond to our children:

1. Say nothing. Sometimes we don’t have to be the judge. If our kids want our feedback, they will ask for it. Remember that we can’t (and shouldn’t try) to control everything.

2. Describe what you see instead of evaluating it. Rather than telling your son that he hurt his friend’s feelings and that he needs to apologize, describe the facial expression you saw on his friend’s face. This allows your son to practice empathy as he sorts through the reasons his friend may have looked sad.

3. Invite reflection. When your daughter refuses to clean her room, ask her why. Ask her to explain how she thinks it makes you feel when she doesn’t do her chores. Rather than lecturing her, you are allowing her to use her reasoning skills to dissect the issue.

4. Ask questions instead of passing judgment. Find out why your son copied his friend’s homework. Ask him how he felt when he cheated. Ask him if he would repeat the same decision in the future, in order to identify his threshold for dishonesty. In order for this tip to work, you really can’t be judgmental. There is no room for you to say, “We don’t cheat in this family” or any other family mantra.

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